How Do You Let Go and Move On?
This is one of those days when I want to pour my heart out on paper. But I can’t. There are too many raw spots and personal failings that shouldn’t be shared. So what do I do? Maybe I need counseling. Maybe I need to quit my job and move to another part of the country. I don’t know. I don’t know…
For those of you that have experienced divorce you know that it doesn’t magically end when you sign the divorce papers. The drama continues with arguments and accusations about broken promises and unpaid bills. Throw another person in the mix and things really heat up. Revenge becomes more then a word. It stays with you all day, shows up in your dreams. You want to lash out. Get even. You do and say stupid things and torment yourself with guilt. And even if you don’t have feelings for your ex you still can’t seem to move on.
My ex and I separated almost one year ago. Months later we agreed to divorce. I badgered him to file since I didn’t have the money. Almost immediately he was seeing someone else, but coming back to me weekly. I physically had to pack up all of this things and throw them in the garage. I eventually had to call his family to pick everything up. He was mad that I had packed his things. I couldn’t understand his reasoning. He drug his feet about seeing a lawyer. I continued to ask him to file so that we could be done with everything and move on. His girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. He filed. Then he got evicted from his apartment. He claimed his nephews threw too many parties. Later he confessed that it was his fault. And still he kept showing up at my house. I told him I wouldn’t take him back when he was desperate so his girlfriend moved a married, alcoholic homeless man into her home with her two sons. She’s an assistant principle at a school. She works with kids. Her reputation for going after married men is no secret. I was dumb founded. Here I am with a squeaky clean reputation and she, breaking all the rules, is coming out ahead. I hated her. I hated him. And that’s the strange part. I didn’t want him back, but I didn’t want her to think she had won. Won what? I don’t know. I think my sanity and any kind of sane reasoning got lost in the whole mess. Revenge suddenly took on a whole new meaning. I found myself surfing the web for stories about what others had done to get even. It was crazy. Here I am a mature woman wanting to lash out and hurt someone, not physically, but emotionally. Driving to work I had fantasies about dumping piles of manure on her front porch, sending letters to the school board about her morals, pouring sugar in his truck’s gas tank. I think I lost my mind for a while.
Then things seemed to settle down. I stayed away from places I knew they frequented. I got involved in community events, threw myself into exercising, wouldn’t let myself brood about how I could have done things differently. I thought I was over the hump, then suddenly his mother was coming over asking me to go to basketball games with her to watch the nephew play. He had lived with my ex and I for several years. She wanted to spend the night with me. We went to the games. My ex’s girlfriend was furious that the whole community was seeing how his mother chose me and not her. His nephew came to me for help with college applications and scholarships. I was glad to help. Then the other woman came charging in and tried to take over. Let her, I thought. Less work on my part. She isn’t doing it out of love. She just wants to be in control. So, I backed off. Stayed away again.
Next came filing our taxes. The divorce agreement was that he would pay all of last years late taxes before we filed. He didn’t. I filed. Single. They kept all of my refund and applied it to his last years unpaid taxes. I was livid. How could he? I called him. We argued. She listens to all of his voice messages and reads his txts. I wrote a letter to him. She opened his mail and called me leaving two messages about how I was a slut for still being involved with him during the months he and I were still married. Whoa. Talk about my morals! Did she forget she was living and sleeping with a married man?
I just realized I’ve poured my heart out on paper. There’s more, but I’ll save it for later.